17 August 2014

Trials, Tribulations & Trying for a Baby...

Things have been a little breezy on the blog front for a while now. Some of my lovely readers may have noticed that my good old real life rant posts, such as my marriage reflections and family confessions, have been a little scarce of late. It probably has a lot to do with something that's been niggling away at me for a few months now. Something that I've been trying to avoid and yet it's something that is completely consuming my thoughts. It's difficult keeping up a pretence that everything is chipper all the time and so I feel it's time to open up in an attempt to support not only myself but others too.

Until now, I've pretty much avoided the subject of having babies here on the blog, although I touched on it a little here and I've been dipping my thoughts in and out of this post for some months and after much deliberation we've taken the decision to share our journey. In all honesty we're not entirely sure this is the right move and we've spoken with our family and close friends who (mostly) support our decision to open up this very personal aspect of our lives. So as you might have gathered from the title of this post, we're trying for a baby. But we've been trying for a while and we've recently discovered that there may be a little problem as to why we haven't been lucky enough to conceive just yet. Totally on my part and we are in the process of having some tests done to try and fix this frustrating problem. But at the moment we are in limbo and for those of you who know what this time feels like...it's a maddening and mind consuming time and it can drive you freaking nuts.

I feel like I need to point out here that I'm not sharing this private issue for sympathy (I'm going to try my hardest to avoid a Feel Sorry for Moi campaign, I promise). But I am doing it for two other reasons...

Firstly I need an outlet. I'm an open book. I find it hard to keep my thoughts and my emotions to myself at the best of times and have always relied on talking to others to halve my problems, finding reassurance in the comfort of other's advice and support. My blog up until this point has been a consistent companion since we began this journey and I find working on it not only therapeutic but it's also the perfect distraction. Which works in hand for reason number two- a support system.

If I've learnt one thing about blogging, it's that people like to read other's stories and realise that they are not alone in their fears, however big, small or trivial. That's the beauty of blogging. Sharing experiences, ideas and thoughts and engaging with other people along the way. Which is mainly why I wanted to share our journey with you, because I know that behind those computer screens are other girls, just like me, who are scouring the internet for advice and answers, pretending they are fine when they are not and who are patiently waiting their turn whilst everyone else on the planet seems to be effortlessly procreating around them. Which can really suck.

There seems to be such a taboo around the subject of trying to conceive. It's as if you're not supposed to talk about it until you're actually pregnant. Perhaps I'm just being uncouth. Most people, understandably, like to keep this personal time under wraps. Just waiting for the special moment when you see a positive sign on a stick which has your wee on it- probably the only time it's ever acceptable to hold a stick with your own pee on it. Then you anxiously wait for your first scan before surprising your loved ones with fuzzy images of kidney bean shaped humans. Lovely. But for some, or most as I'm now discovering, this moment can take it's bloody time and whilst we wait, are we just supposed to keep quiet. Quiet is something I've never been particularly good at! 

There is no shortage of pregnancy and baby spew on the internet. There are a zillion bright and beautiful blogs, websites, clubs and message boards dedicated to supporting one through this jolly journey. But what about the rest of us? Search 'having trouble conceiving' into the know-it-all-web and you're faced with a relatively dark and depressing area of cyberspace filled with gloomy medical advice, ovulation calendars and a load of repetitive tips and tricks- that you've already tried a zillion times. 'Don't Stress'- is a popular cropper- Oh OK, because you said so, I wont stress one bit...or 'Just Relax'- Oohhh relax...that's what I should be doing...! Dur! 

Trying to conceive can do funny things to usually level headed people. You find yourself feeling a whole host of evil emotions that you didn't think you were capable of feeling. Envy, jealousy, anger, frustration, confusion, doubt, panic, fear, worry...you name it. It's a circus of emotions that leave you sometimes hating yourself. And if one more person says to you 'don't put pressure on it, just let it happen naturally', you think you might swing for them. The people who say this are the people who most likely got pregnant by shaking their partner's hand. Grrr...!

Social media doesn't help either. Our daily updates seem to be bursting with expecting statuses, arrivals, which follow an abundance of baby outfit snaps (some of which are just awful) and progress reports (I do love 'wee wees on the potty' photos whilst I eat my lunch) But you rarely see a status that says 'Yay...my period came four days late just to wind me up and make me think I was pregnant but I'm clearly not...have a great day everyone!' I might try that one day, just for a laugh.

I could go on forever, but I think that's enough to get us started for now. So as we begin our quest to discover what, or if there might be a solvable reason or slight problemo as to why our little Bean is taking its time to show itself, you can look forward to more rambles and thoughts on this issue soon in a bid to nurture myself (and hopefully others) through this process and, as always, I promise to look on the bright side and stay as chipper as humanly possible. 

Was that too much? What are you thoughts on trying to conceive? 

Until next time,

With Love & TTC (Trying To Conceive),

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