Back when I first discovered that my body wasn't playing ball in the conceiving department, I drove to work the following morning and had my first ever panic attack. There I was stuck in traffic, only ten minutes from work, and all of a sudden I felt like I was suffocating. The seat belt was too tight, the windows were open but no air was coming through and I felt like my heart was going to burst out my chest and it all started with a simple thought...what if this is it for me? What if I'm destined to stay in a job, that I chose to tailor around a family of my own one day, a family that might just never exist? I had never considered a life without our own children in it? What if, my life as it is, is all there is...what if this is it?
That's not to say that that I'm not happy or lucky with the life I've been given- I wouldn't change a single thing or person in my life. But you can't help but wonder what life would be like if you were never given the opportunity to become a parent and as our friends are all starting to have their second babies, you inevitably feel the panic and frustration that comes with being left behind.
Even your social life is steering in a direction without you. Unless you're a children's birthday party entertainer or an avid farm visitor, you're usually left feeling a little excluded from weekend plans with friends. Not that you particularly want to spend your weekends surrounded by snot, farm animals and mind numbing nursery rhymes, but you would if you had your own children. Everyone's lives are changing and they have every right to adapt to it with their mini prodigies at the center. But for us TTC (trying to conceive) folk- it's just another reminder that life isn't quite moving in the direction you hoped it would be by now.
So whilst we wait for our eggs to fertilise, in the meantime, what do you do? Do I change careers again and find something more mind and time consuming? Do I say sod it, I'm off to see the world? Do I find a new hobby to consume my spare time? Do we get a dog...? What do you do? How long do you put your life on hold? Some might think that I'm being a little melodramatic but these are the realistic thoughts and concerns that I'm pretty sure any woman in a similar position has thought about at least once when seeking help with fertility. Life has to have a purpose and it sucks to think that perhaps that purpose might one day need rethinking.
I've been mulling these thoughts over for a while now and it wasn't until I read this post yesterday, written by one of my fave bloggers, where Alice talks about the idea of 'having it all' and recognising what you do have rather than thinking about what you should have in order to make you happy. From this I realised the positive aspect that was missing from a negative mind dump of a blog post that's been festering away in my draft folder. As women, we generally spend our lives aspiring to something more. Whether it to be a smaller dress size, to be fitter and healthier, to fall in love, to get married, to have the perfect home or to have a family, we're always preoccupied with reaching for something more, rather than being happy with who we are and appreciating the life we have right now.
I've spent a lot of time being envious of others and hating myself for not having something that others seem to achieve so easily. It's not something that will change overnight, but it's a negativity that I consciously want to steer away from before it clouds over the positive aspects of my present. So instead of focusing on what might not be, I should be focusing on what I do have in my life that I am entirely grateful for everyday. Whilst I'm not allowed a dog (I've asked the Hubster on more than one occasion) and I don't fancy taking up knitting or rock climbing as a new hobby, I'll plod along, stay positive and appreciate the now. Life is good and if this is it, then I've been pretty damn lucky so far.
Has anyone else ever experienced these Is This It? moments?
Until next time,
With Love & Is This It?