12 May 2015

What NOT To Say To A Pregnant Lady...


As a blogger there have been numerous occasions over the years when I have offended some people in one way or another, (without intent on my part) where things I've written have been taken personally or out of context. So I must point out first and foremost, that I'm not intentionally setting out to name and shame those of you who have at some point said any of the below. This is merely a reflection, particularly in terms of weight gain and body changes, that affect every pregnant woman in entirely different ways and with most things I write about, I know I can't be alone in my woe. 

As someone who has spent most of their life feeling insecure and sensitive about their weight issues, (evidence and excuses can all be found here) it's only natural that these concerns have intensified, not helped with the concoction of hormones that are happily taking control of my emotions these days. Of course I'm worried about how big I'm going to get throughout this pregnancy and what sort of state my body is going to be in once our little bean has arrived. I wasn't happy with my body prior to getting pregnant and as much as I am loving being pregnant, a part of me can't help but wonder- when did it suddenly become acceptable for people to comment negatively on a pregnant persons weight? 

It's at times like this when the miracle of what we've achieved is forgotten. The draining and scary changes our bodies are going through are dismissed, and the fact that we are growing tiny humans is overlooked in a moment with the choice of a few harsh words and fleeting comments. But ironically we are the ones who are then told we are being too sensitive or are simply hormonal. Seriously I wish my hormones came in the shape of a bat. I wouldn't be held responsible for the amount of conked noses I'd nut on a regular basis...sorry officer, it wasn't me, it was my hormones

But of course it's not all weight related. There are a few other comments that set our blood pressures souring. So in light of trying to stay chipper, and hopefully come to the aid of my fellow pregnant peeps out there, I've whipped together a list of 'What Nots'...cue lots of sarcastic responses, naturally. 


Are you going to eat ALL of that?

If looks could kill, this is probably one time you'd quite happily turn someone into stone, leaving you to scoff whatever it is in front of you in peace, followed by their portion too, just to prove a point. 

Should you be eating that?

I've spent the last eight years checking every single label being gluten free, so once I became pregnant I just thought I'd throw in the towel and now stop caring about what I can and can't eat. Duh. Of course I've checked if I can eat it. And if you don't step away, I'll probably eat you next. 

Are you sure you're not having twins? 

Well yes we are, but we're living in denial and thought we'd just ignore the second little blighter in the hope that it will spring out and fend for itself. No, it's just one baby, but thanks so much for checking. 

How long have you got to go? 

Please note the tone in which this question is asked. If it comes with bulging eyes and a shocked expression as if to say 'stand back, she could blow at any minute', then you can take this as sure fire way to make a pregnant chick feel like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, expecting an army of Umpa Lumpa's to march on in a roll her away at any minute. 

You're going to be...You look...Wow...You're... See below for an alternative vocabulary list for those of you who have a difficulty finishing the above sentences without sending pregnant chick into floods of tears: 

Enormous- Blooming Lovely
Huge- Blossoming 
Massive- Growing nicely 
Big- Beautiful 
Ginormous- Glowing 

You get the gist. And if in doubt, remember those wise words spoken from Bambi's mate Thumper, 'If you can't say nuthin' nice, then don't say nuthin' at all...'

(Insert Name) was tiny compared to you at this stage...! 

Oh fabulous. That's just what I wanted...to be compared to someone half my size prior to pregnancy. Next you'll be telling me how they haven't got a single stretch mark and are effortlessly giving the Duchess of Cambridge a run for her money in the 'could I look more like the stork delivered my baby' department. Lucky her. 

What are you doing tonight, (tomorrow night, or any given night in the foreseeable future)? 

Probably the most dreaded question for any mum-to-be as anything that requires any amount of any energy, social participation and generally requires staying away for is about as much fun as climbing Mount Everest with a stomach bug these days. My evenings now consist of (and in this order) showering, oiling bump before searching for a pair of PJ's that a) fit b) are comfortable and c) don't cause any unnecessary pressure around the bladder/baby area. This is shortly followed by dinner, a glass of milk, a few teaspoons of Nutella and then if my eyeballs can take it, one hour of television before Widgey (my maternity pillow) and I retire to Bedfordshire. 

Do you fancy going out for a drink...? 

Ooh yes please. I can't wait to stand around in a smelly pub and sip my water whilst the rest of you enjoy your alcoholic beverages, then breath all over me and chat absolute rubbish whilst I try and stay awake. I don't know how my non-drinking buddies have done it for all these years, but I have a new found respect for them that's for sure.

Do you want just a little glass of wine?

No thanks, I'm more of a 'whole bottle kind of girl', so I'll have to hold out until my mini me has stopped relying on me to grow all it's vital organs. 

(11pm...Still in the pub, two hours past the promise leave by time) Just one more drink I promise, I'll get you another water...

Oh yay...that's just what I want another sodding glass of water on top of the other four I've already had, meaning that I'm going to be waking up in the night to pee even more than my usual four trips to the loo.  

You Wait. You've Got All This To Come

Usually spoken by others who's sprogs are currently climbing the walls, (or drawing on the them), screaming blue murder in a public place or are bent over proudly showing off their bottom that clearly needs wiping. Brilliant. Can't wait.

What comments drove you bonkers when you were pregnant...? Let me know in the comments below! 

Until next time,

With Love & What Not To Say, 

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